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here is a novel about part of my life, just for you haha. you really dont have to read it if you want to though...
this week has actually been a whirlwind of everything possible. every little thing just swinging by my head when i least expected it and not even one second to get away from it.
and theres been one thing... i mean ive never been good at explaining things, especially with something like what
im about to talk about, but i dont want to say that i wont try my best
two years ago at around the same time i decided to step out of my comfort zone and try out for an elementary school volleyball team because i wanted to try something new. i had no doubt in my mind throughout the whole tryout sessions that i wouldnt make it for sure, so i kept an easy-come-easy-go ish attitude, you could say.
but hey, you know what
. i made it, and i dont even know why. at the time i was shocked, of course but i didnt see that sooner through the season i would have actually (and sorry for the lack of a better phrase but) fallen in love with the sport. i loved getting a touch at the ball whenever i could with my friends and even the wall on top of the garage
at times (itd always pass back to me). and yeah, ill admit, i was never the best
player anywhere i went, and truthfully, not even close, maybe even the worst. and throughout the elementary vball season i just thought it was a privilege to just be on the bench and watch as my coach played all the 'good people' until people seemed to introduce me to the term bench warming. throughout the year i wasnt a volleyball player at all. nope. i was just a benchwarmer. i felt so worthless. sometimes even my coach made it seem like i couldnt even pursue my favourite sport because i was 'bad' (of course often candy coated by words like nervous, inconsistent...) and yeah, sure, we did win the area championships that year but when i stepped back and took a look, i wondered did we really win anything else?
the first year in high school i tried for the junior team because i knew i wanted to play the sport, but just with doubts as to my level of experience and skill. i went into the tryouts with the same kind of view i had a year ago - its not a given to make the team, try your best
and thats all you can do. to my surprise, when my soon-to-be-coach was giving the 'last tryout' lecture i could swear she winked at me and a few others. wiping my eyes quickly, i wondered if i had just been too tired or something, but she then told us there were three of us who she didnt even need to see at the rest of the tryouts anymore because they had made it. and yeah, you guessed right. one of them was of course, me. standing to the side the other two were two other guys in my grade, and i still remember standing by the wall, trying to kick up a conversation because i knew we'd be playing together for at least the next four years.
then the season went on, people got comfortable with each other, and others improved but i didn't seem to do either. i still remember practices where i would miss balls and get them flying all over the place, sweat trickling my cheek and looking down while others gave me looks of disapproval. and like history replayed itself, i found myself sacrificing important school hours just to sit on a creaky wooden bench to watch people who acted like they never even wanted me there in the first place. i was a benchwarmer again. there were days where rude words would be thrown in my face and days where guys thought itd be fine to take all my gatorade just because i 'wouldnt be playing anyway'. i didnt even bother to sign up for co-ed later in the year because i thought itd all be a waste of time. when i look back i still dont think there was one day throughout the season where i felt like i played properly. where i felt like a true volleyball player. there was finally a day where i thought 'you know what
, maybe this is pointless. maybe i should just quit'
in june before summer, i won the 'most improved player' award for the team.
it was beacause i didnt quit. i followed my fears and i stayed right where i was. and i remember that night at the semi formal banquet where i finally felt recognized for something on that team. but i did not deserve all the credit. after all i was just that lousy benchwarmer who shanked every ball every practice. it was the two guys who had made it with me in the beginning who should have gotten the credit. and now im probably sounding all lame and crap, but they were easily the ones who kept me in the run for what
i wanted most, to feel like i was a volleyball player. (they even supported my photography and self potraiture, which has always in a group of guys been the 'lamest' and 'weirdest' thing to do..) the encouragement coming from these two meant a lot, sometimes that i was at a loss for words. all i could do was try to give a smile or a nod. their generosity relit my flame inside and i worked as hard as i could do improve as much as possible.